Tag Archives: safe people

Broken Dreams



Just to get this out of the way, yes, this art journal was loosely inspired by Miley Cyrus’s song, “Wrecking Ball”.

Actually it was just the words “wrecking ball” that made me think of this art journal piece. Throughout my life, I’ve had a lot of dreams, wishes and visions of what I want for my life. I’ve also had a lot of those dreams shattered because of the damage my past abuse has done to my mental and physical health. One of my dreams was to become a cosmetologist. I’ve always loved hair and makeup and girly stuff like that, so I thought cosmetology school would be a great avenue for me to learn more and become a great hair stylist. Well…..that didn’t happen like I had wanted it to. I’ve actually been to cosmetology school twice and was expelled due to the way my depression, anxiety, eating disorder and self harm were affecting my performance and attendance at school. I was a great student. I got almost perfect grades and I loved what I was learning and doing….but there were a lot of days that I wasn’t able to even leave my house because my anxiety was so bad. There were days I’d eat lunch and purge in the bathroom at school, or go to the bathroom and cut myself. On more than one occasion I was caught and finally was confronted by the school administrator. I knew I wasn’t at the level of functioning that I needed to be in to finish school, so it was basically a mutual decision that I needed to quit school. I tried to go back again a few years later and the same thing happened. I was 5 months away from finishing school….but I just couldn’t do it.

Dream = Broken

There were other dreams, projects & plans that were broken. I lost many, many jobs due to my depression, anxiety, PTSD symptoms, frequent hospitalizations and overall inability to function. I lost friends when I would isolate and not leave my house or answer my phone for weeks at a time. A few amazing friends have stood by my side, but a lot have left too. My parents have suffered greatly. They’ve continued to pay for school loans for school that I couldn’t finish. They’ve invested so much financially into my treatment, therapy and care.

Life throws us a lot of curve balls. Wrecking balls smash into the dreams we have sometimes. But I’m learning to go with the flow. Take the punches and get back up. I’m even learning how to duck from some punches. I’m rebuilding dreams and a new life. This may not be the life I envisioned for myself, but I’m doing the best I can with what I have. I have an amazing wife who loves me with all her heart. My parents are so supportive of where I’m at in life. I have wonderful furry cat-kids who adore me. I have food, a lovely house to live in, clothes, a warm bed and most of all, I’m safe and loved.

Those are the things that matter now.

Broken dreams are in the past.

I’m rebuilding a new life.
It’s part of the healing process.


Box of secrets




So on the topic of secrets, back a few years ago, when I first really started my trauma work in therapy, my therapist recommended that I write down a list of all the secrets I’ve been keeping and as I felt comfortable, I could share them with her. So I did that. My list was 3 pages long.

Later on on my therapy process, I decided to make a box to keep my secrets in. I used a small cardboard box with a hinged lid. I crumpled up some muslin material and Modge Podged it to the box. I used some red burlap to make a heart on the top of the box with a safety pin going through the center of it. Then with some wire, I made a clasp that I could put a lock through. I wrote out ally secrets individually on pieces of brown paper that I folded up and put inside. The box is really full. I kinda had to squish all the secrets in the box.

Just getting the secrets out of my head was a huge relief. As I began to tell the secrets, the shame and guilt I felt began to lessen. Finding a safe person to share your secrets with is extremely therapeutic! Like I said in my other post, “secrets keep us sick”. If you have secrets, I really encourage you to begin sharing and letting go of them. My secrets held so much power over my mind. Letting them go and getting them out has brought me a lot of freedom.